Marriage

Choices, such as evaluating whom to marry, is not a rational decision, if you seek to rely solely on logic, you will remain single forever. In short, we often decide intuitively and justify our choices later. Natural selection evolved passion and disgust as quick algorithms for evaluating reproduction odds. As people see a prospective spouse, algorithms honed by millions of years of evolution kick in; within a few milliseconds the algorithms convert tiny cues from external appearances into reproductive probabilities and reach a conclusion that can be felt.

Biochemical algorithms rate beauty or looks at only about 35 percent, in many cases even as low as 14 percent, in evaluating the overall rating for determining the long term success of a relationship. Beauty and clear complexion means ‘good chances for having successful offspring’ an indicator of the chances of better reproductive odds, though in these days of cosmetic aids even properly determining this may be arguable. Of course when it comes to short term relationship beauty receives much greater consideration but we are here looking long term, even a lifetime. Your feelings are not infallible, but they are better than most other sources of guidance. However, in order to make the right decision you must seek to know yourself better or work with those who know you better.

Beauty and youth are great assets but are overvalued by those who possess them. These are depreciating assets once they reach their peak by late teens to mid-twenties. Talent, good nature, trust, ability, a sense of humour and a mature sense of understanding and responsibility are real appreciating assets even as one grows older and thus should receive greater consideration.

Availability of prospective mates dictates the value of choice. The greater the availability, the easier and better the choice. So, the choice must be exercised when the availability is at a maximum. Waiting, for whatever reason, reduces the availability and hence, the option to make the best possible choice. Delays in making a choice also, further reduce the time available eo make it in, thus also leading to a sub-optimal choice.

During dating and meetings signals are sent to indicate interest and desirability. Desirability such as wealth, academic qualifications, as indicator of future earning ability, and health and qualities such as humour and understanding, attract more acceptances.

These don’t indicate interest in a particular mate, but only signal their level of attractiveness amongst all mates. What is then required is a way to signal interest in a specific mate. The dance of peacock, the invitation to a dinner/dance etc. such a signal should then attract a response which if mutually acceptable is what can lead to courtship and then marriage.

“That’s why, while many of us might wish to marry a movie star, we devote most of our efforts to finding and courting more realistic mates who might also, like to marry us. (Mutual interest is what separates courting couples from stalker and prey),” – Alvine E Roth in “Who gets What and Why.”

You need to make quick, strategic decisions taking into account what the rest of the market is doing. Whether to marry the current girlfriend or boyfriend or to break-up in the hope of finding a better match later.

The question to ask oneself after finding someone who objectively meets the essential criteria (list all you desire and then selectively reduce to not more than three or a maximum of five) you have decided on, when you and your hormones are not involved in convincing yourself of what can be changed in the criteria you had earlier laid down (here is where arranged marriages have an advantage as your parents or other elders, who know you well and have only your happiness at heart, can be more objective. Of course, there may be circumstances when you will need to make your choice by yourself, then you will need to be even more careful.

Experience has shown that even in arranged marriages the parents should meet and evaluate the prospective spouse before the protagonists meet. If the protagonists meet first the chances of a satisfactory outcome is very low. What you should be deciding is whether there is something you dislike in the first meeting with the prospective spouse. Dislike, as research has shown, is perceived within a blink of an eye time at the first close eye contact. It is either there or not, it is a black or white choice. Not having anything to dislike, is itself a large plus point. Like, on the other-hand, has many shades of grey or of varying percentages, like say, 51 percent or 61 or 91 percent and so on. It is difficult to quantify as many subjective factors come into play and can vary depending even on one’s hormonal status then, and even the time of the day.

Whom to get married to, can be decided as per the above guidelines. The point to remember is that ‘as the old saying goes, ensuring a successful and happy marriage arises out of the ‘Art of living with the incompatible’. Insisting on finding the one perfectly compatible spouse is like trying to maximize your choice, something that we have already seen earlier as not being the best way to choose. So, if the essential criteria are met and you have no dislike for the person, then you and thereafter keep your promise / commitment by working to adjust as necessary to make the marriage work.

In this age of nuclear families, when to get married is also, a very important decision. Again, research suggests that you should wait till you are old enough (but not too old), have finished your graduation and as much education as you can before marriage. Those who marry very young are more likely to divorce. For instance, as Utah sociologist, Nicholas Wolfinger notes, an American man who weds at 25 is 11 percent less likely to divorce than one who marries at 24. But waiting too long is also, detrimental to a marriage. As Daniel H. Pink writes -those who wed past the age of 32, even after controlling for religion, education, geographic location and other factors – the odds of divorce increase by 5 percent per year for atleast the next decade. Ofcourse, given that the age difference in men and their wives is generally 3 years plus or minus 2 years, the age of women in the above findings would be that much less.

Do let your relationship mature, get to know each other for at least a year, or once again let your parents arrange the marriage. You can take solace that though they may make 99 percent of the decision, your one percent is the decisive veto vote. Also, surprisingly, as Frances Tan and Mialon found, couples that spent more on their engagement rings and weddings were more likely to divorce.

In short, as Daniel H. Pink advises;

Forget the romantics and listen to the Researchers, Prudence beats Passion.

The context, in which you are together before marriage and that after, will be greatly different and to expect the spouse to be the same in such different circumstances would be unrealistic. Be prepared and accept such differences as after all you have ticked all the important points when making your choice. Also, see how you yourself and your attitudes have changed, something on which you do have control.

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